I’m Tom, this is dailyfriction, and today, we’ll talk about three essential mindsets that will bring you closer to dating mastery.
As with many things, in my opinion, the Pareto principle, or the “80/20” rule as it is also called, applies here.
In this case, just a few powerful realizations and mindsets can take you the majority of the way to more successful dating experiences.
A few tweaks can make all the difference.
Let’s start with a big one:
1) Want Her But Don’t Need Her
You want her but don’t need her.
It’s important to confidently show interest, but never, ever be needy.
Neediness kills attraction like nothing else does, plain and simple. It’s one of the biggest factors that will shape your dating interactions.
As Derek Sivers says in “How to Live“:
Derek Sivers in “How to Live““Unless you are drops of liquid, one plus one never equals one. You must both be free and able to live without each other. Be together by choice, not necessity or dependence. Love your partner, but don’t need your partner. Need is insatiable. Need destroys love.”
Mark Manson backs this up in “Models,” a great book that I mentioned before and probably will again. Here he explains:
Mark Manson in “Models““A man who is highly invested and needy before sex indicates that he’s unreliable… Whereas a man who is non-needy around sex, but still demonstrates desire for the woman he’s with, makes her feel secure in the fact that he’s choosing her from a place of control and security, not to fill some hole of validation.”
Non-neediness comes from that magical place of abundance. It shows that you have other things (or dating options) going on in life (which you should!).
You’ve probably heard this truth and basically golden rule of social interactions before and I came across it multiple times as well, for example in Adely Birch’s book “30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics“:
Adelyn Birch in “30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics““The person who cares less has the power.”
The first time I heard this, I had to go back and listen to it again. It’s something so obvious that you see not just in romantic relationships, but also in business negotiations and workplace dynamics for example.
It’s one of those things that surround us, but we don’t see it that clearly until it’s packed in some simple words.
Here’s how Mark defines neediness in his book:
Mark Manson in “Models““Here’s what I mean by neediness: being more invested in other people’s perceptions of you than your perception of yourself. Neediness plays out by people chronically investing themselves and their identities to receive validation from others around them.
Women are generally only attracted to men who are less invested in them, than they are in themselves.
By investment I mean the degree in which you sacrifice/alter your own thoughts/feelings/motivations for someone else. By less I mean that as a man, you should only be willing to sacrifice your thoughts/ feelings/motivations for a woman less than she is willing to do the same for you.”
He also adds that it’s about being less needy since being not needy at all is pretty much impossible to achieve when it comes to dating (unless you are reading this from a monastery).
Mark Manson in “Models““I should add that these aren’t all-or-nothing propositions either. Look, we all want people to like us, and we all like to impress others. We all need some validation sometime. We all do these things to certain degrees. It’s impossible to be perfectly non-needy all the time.
But neediness is relative. That’s why I say it’s about being less invested than women instead of not invested in women. It’s an important difference.
It’s impossible to be not invested. But it is always possible to be less invested than she is. That’s all it takes. She can be the most invested person on the planet in what others think of her, and if you’re the second most invested person on the planet, she’ll be attracted to you. But not vice-versa.”
Women don’t want to be the center of your universe. They might strive for it, but once they reach this point, they will lose interest. If they fully domesticate their man, he simply becomes less attractive to her.
So you should always be more invested in yourself, your goals, and your values, than you are in her.
Another great quote I heard that fits well here is:
“The moment you choose a woman over your goals is the moment you lose both.”
It makes sense when you think about it because if you don’t have strong principles in place that guide your life and let people (including her) walk all over you because you are most invested in her, for all of human history, you could simply not be trusted.
It’s not safe to rely on dependent pushovers when it comes to survival.
So I think the point is clear, let’s go to the next one.
2) Let’s See If You Like Her – You’re the Prize
Here’s a mindset that also changes a lot: Stop focusing on whether she likes you. Instead, ask yourself if you like her. This flips the script and puts you in a position of confidence and control.
I mentioned this mindset before and it can change the whole dynamic that is the boring norm for women: Boy wants to get girl, tries to impress her, tries to say the right things, bends over backward, is always available, etc.
Again, this new mindset implies that you have options, and powerful concepts like pre-selection and social proof come into play.
It makes you more interesting since this mindset shows that you must have been successful when it came to dating in the past. Even if that’s not the case, if you sell yourself this way, it implies it to the other person and gets subconsciously recognized.
Again, this is not only a concept that works for you when it comes to dating, but in social interactions in general.
As Oren Klaff explains in “Pitch Anything“,
Oren Klaff in “Pitch Anything”“If you are trying to win your target’s respect, attention, and money, he becomes the prize.
When your target is trying to win your attention and respect, you are the prize. (This, of course, is what you want.) Prizing is the sum of the actions you take to get to your target to understand that he is a commodity and you are the prize. Successful prizing results in your target chasing you, asking to be involved in your deal.”
When you sell yourself as the prize (of course in a balanced and subtle way, otherwise you will just seem like an idiot), it shows her that her looks alone aren’t enough to win you over or impress you, which is what probably has happened to her before 5396 times.
You have high standards, and you’re not easily swayed. There are many pretty girls out there, and you know that. But you’re looking for more than just one of those pretty faces. And if that’s not her, it’s fine. You’ll keep looking.
This signals that you’re a man of value with many options, someone worth investing in.
3) There Is No “The One”
Lastly, let’s talk about the idea of “The One.” Spoiler alert: There isn’t ONE. As implied in the point before, it shouldn’t only be something you convey between the lines but your actual belief.
Because guess what, it is true.
I know I know…you met this one girl who was hotter, smarter, funnier, crazier (the good kind), kinder, and all of that creamy and warm stuff with a cherry on top.
Hard truth: While you won’t find exactly this girl again out there, be excited to find one who will add other things to the mix you can’t even think of now.
You might consider this a silly analogy, but maybe think of it like your favorite TV show from years ago which came to an end and is not airing anymore. You enjoyed the time, you still cherish a few episodes when you think back or something reminds you of it.
But are you gonna cry for the rest of your life and never watch a new show again? Because if you give another one a chance, you might find out that even though Game of Thrones was amazing, another show can still catch you.
Rollo Tomassi sums it up pretty nicely in “The Rational Male“:
Rollo Tomassi in “The Rational Male““There is no ONE. This is the soulmate myth. There are some good Ones and some bad Ones, but there is no ONE. Anyone telling you anything else is selling you something. There are lots of ‘special someones’ out there for you, just ask the divorced / widowed person who’s remarried after their “soulmate” has died or moved on with another person they insist is their real soulmate.”
This “soulmate” idea is a sellable Disney fantasy that speaks to us, but which often does more harm than good. It creates unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations.
The stories we put in our heads and sign up for are extremely powerful and dictate many things in our lives, true or not.
So if you ask me and many others, the good news is, you don’t need “The One.” There are plenty of “good ones” out there.
In “The Myth of Monogamy”, … explains another reason why this idea is pretty outlandish and puts things into perspective:
David Barash, Judith Eve Lipton in “The Myth of Monogamy““There are 6 billion people on our planet, of whom we meet probably fewer than several thousand in a lifetime. This works out to about one in a million. Accordingly, for every person we meet, there are about 999,999 we never do. And of those few we actually do meet, only a small proportion of those encounters occur for us at ages and in circumstances in which love and/or marriage–never mind sex–are even feasible. In short, the chances are pretty slim that we will ever meet our perfect other half, even if he or she exists.”
No one is perfect, and a woman can surprise and excite you in ways you don’t even think of yet. Everyone is unique, and many people can share a meaningful connection with you. Don’t get caught up in the idea that there’s only one person out there for you. Because bluntly put, that’s just brain fuckery.
Conclusion: Women Are a Compliment, Not the Focus
To wrap things up, here’s a final thought that stood the test of time and is also mentioned by Rollo Tomassi:
Rollo Tomassi in “The Rational Male““Women should only ever be a compliment to a man’s life, never the focus of it.”
Keep this in mind as you navigate dating.
Stay focused on your own life, your own goals, and let relationships enhance your life, not define it.
Want her, but don’t need her. Remember that you’re the prize. And most importantly, there’s no “The One.” If you level up yourself with these mindsets and grow with dailyfriction every day, more options will come automatically.
For more specific tips when you have a date coming up, check out this post here where I spoke more about one of those mindsets and gave you two other tips that helped me.
So what do you think about this? Do you have anything more to add? What did I miss? Share your thoughts with the community in the comments below. If you enjoyed this post, please like it for the algorithm and subscribe to the channel for more content like this.
See you in the next one, brother!
Sources
Books
Derek Sivers – “How to Live“
Mark Manson – “Models”
Adelyn Birch – “30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics”
Oren Klaff – “Pitch Anything”
Rollo Tomassi – “The Rational Male”
David Barash, Judith Eve Lipton – “The Myth of Monogamy”
